Oscar Grouch

First, let me apologize for the length of my absence. I’ve been stricken with some evil foulness that had infested my lungs and sinuses. (cough)

I’m sure most of you are thoroughly bored with reading the opinions of others concerning the Academy Awards. I know I am. Which is why I’m not going to subject you to my irrelevant opinions. What I am here to do, is accept the Oscar for Best Oscar Speech Given By A Person Who Watched The Oscars And Noticed How Lame Many Of The Presenters Are/Short Subject.

“Wow… this is so unexpected. Whew. Ok. I’ve only got 325 words left and so many people to thank. First, I’d like to thank John Travolta. By going up on stage and cracking a joke about Saturday Night Fever which resulted in nothing more than the boos of the crickets in the theater’s kitchen… you sparked this little blog entry.

‘Martin Scorcese, Marty… Mart… Ma. Only you can pull off something like wearing a set of eyeglasses containing lenses that look like you got them from the windshield of a Boeing 747 Jumbo Jet.

‘Antonio Banderas. Who knew you could sing? I’ve got to thank you for proving to the world, by that stunning rendition of "Al Otro Lado Del Río", that everyone is blessed with at least one talent.

‘Oh, and that guy who was nominated for best short but lost anyway, and was caught by the cameras sleeping. Who else has the courage to sleep through a televised award show, when you are nominated, and need to be elbowed by your girlfriend as the camera pans over to you? Thank you.

‘Prince… my man. Without you, we’d never know what the Spanish/African American version of The Grinch would look like. You're a clever one… Mr. Prince.

‘Sean Penn. You made me realize that even if I were invited to one of the biggest events of the year, I could show up un-showered, in the same wrinkled tux I passed out in at the detox clinic, after my bender the night before. Such style and class.

‘Of course, I have to thank the announcer this evening. Upon Hilary Swank being announced for her roll in “Million Dollar Baby” you, and only you, had the where-with-all to inform the audience that she was the only female to ever win the Best Actress award for portraying a boxer. Finally, all those before her who were shunned so erringly at the Oscars… you’ve all won this evening. Um, wow… hey, no, no! You aren’t cutting me off yet!

‘Chris Rock, thanks for hosting. Thank you for providing, in my opinion, the only slight bit of entertainment to this otherwise pointless show. With out you, I would have been overwhelmed with the stupidity and tried to pull enough elastic out of my boxer shorts to hang myself with.

‘Last but not least… my beautiful wife. We did it, baby! We made it through this entire show without gouging our eyes out with a dirty spoon! Thank you!”