Understanding Al-Qaida

In recent news, Al-Qaida announced the latest plan for terror against the United States. Ironically, this new plan seems to have striken an accord with many Americans.

In an attempt at ‘cultural destabilization’, the Bin Laden headed group announced a plan to kidnap American icons. First on their list is Russell Crowe.

No, please don’t go to Crowe’s 560-acre ranch in Australia (about 7 hours north-west of Sydney) and kidnap him. I don’t know what we’d do if we lost this New Zealand born actor… uh, legend… wow, I can’t even fake liking him.

So, with a plan like this, I’m saying, Al-Qaida can’t be all bad, can they? While they are at it, maybe they can rid us of a few other people who are ‘the key members of our entertainment infrastructure.’ (hint-hint, wink-wink, nudge-nudge, say no more…)

Below are some letters written to our editor suggesting additional targets for the terrorist group.

Dear Al K Duh,

My name is Timmy, I am 10 years old. How bout you take Jared from Subway instead? I’m really sick of that guy. No wonder he lost 150 pounds on the Subway diet. That stuff tastes like recycled ass. You can’t get through a whole sandwich with out wanting to shave your taste buds off with a power sander. In conclusion, take Jared. Cause if you don’t I will.

~ Timmy

Osoma,

I was wondering if you could take Jessica Simpson. That spoiled bitch is really pissing me off. Always galavanting around in expensive cars, spending money on useless things, while the rest of us work hard for our money. Seriously, I can’t take much more of this.

~Nick

Dear Mr. Bin Loden,

I was drink… uh, I was thinking. If you really want to kidnap someone in the limelight, why not coke, I mean, consider taking Charles de Gaulle, the President of France. He won’t play nice. Also, I think I heard him say something about your mothers. I’ll make you a deal, any Alcohol…er, Al-Qaida members that perspire in taking Mr. De Gaulle, will receive 10 bonus oil points. This will help put food on your family. In addition, I will - we will rename them Bin Loden fries. Thanks.

~G.W.

Well, there you have it. Looks like we’ve given Al-Qaida enough busy work for the next few months. I’m sure by the time they find Crowe, start making demands, then realize nobody cares; we’ll have a few more suggestions for their list.

I bet you thought I wasn’t going to mention how idiotic it is that someone is threatening to kidnap American icons yet the 1^st person on their list is from New Zealand. The stupidity speaks for itself.

I’m off time to get myself a Liberation burger with a side of Regime Change fries.