Armageddon… In His Pants

Lately, in spite of my consumption of epic proportions of hops, barley, and fried chicken arms, I’ve been trying to put better substances into my fragile system. In accordance with Operation Enduring Freedom… From High Cholesterol and Other Heart Related Health Risks ©, I recently tried a new breakfast cereal. GoLean. Or should I say GoOften.

This cereal is pure, unadulterated evil.

Born in Satan’s wheat fields, it is an ungodly mixture of rice, fiber, wheat and other grains supposedly beneficial to healthy living. Unless having to shit sixteen times a day, so hard that you actually see Jesus, is healthy, then I think there is some fallacy to the claims on this box. No wonder you’re lean. When you expunge half your body weight in shite, how can you not be? Sure, they tell you that it contains enough fiber to jar a bowling ball lose from a mosquito’s ass… but what they don’t warn you about is serving size. Again, sure, they have a suggested serving size on the box. No problem. Strike that... problem. What they DON’T warn you about is if you exceed said serving (which is about a cup) you are in for serious trouble.


Now, I ask, who amongst you actually makes a regular attempt to read over not only the nutritional states of all your food, but the suggested serving size? SHUT UP! It was a rhetorical question. Me personally, I normally check that sort of thing. But, I usually don’t put forth the effort of considering the serving size, cross referencing said serving size with the percentage daily recommended ingredients, then running the equation to figure out how much of all said ingredients I’m actually ingesting. So… consider this.

The recommended serving size is one cup. Each serving has forty percent of your daily-recommended fiber. I fixed myself what most would consider the “normal” cereal proportion: one giant assed, heaping bowl full. So, if you take the time to run Shiz’ Cereal Paradigm, you’ll come to the conclusion I came to way, way too late; too much fucking fiber. I think it ended up that I consumed something close to one hundred and forty six thousand five hundred and sixty two times the recommended daily allowance of fiber. What does that amount to in the long run you wonder? Well I’ll tell you anyway.

Abdominal pains far exceeding any wrath Zeus or even the Titans could ever reign down, so many trips to the bathroom you’d swear I was a twenty year old bulimic model finishing a two hour session at the local all-you-can-eat Pizza Hut lunch buffet, and the worst case of swamp ass this side of Bourbon Street.

Since that fateful day, I can’t even look at a box of cereal without breaking into a cold sweat and clinching my cheeks together.