Douche, Or No Douche?

I should learn to use a bit more caution when choosing the comments I make with certainty. Not because I’m afraid of being wrong, because, let’s face it, I never am. The reason for my caution is, quite frankly, I hate repeating myself. One solace I can take is in the fact that it is not I that has forced me into this situation; it is the television industry that put me in such a predicament.

I know in the past I have said that there is NO WAY for the TV industry to sink any lower into the abyss of useless programming. I have been forced to eat my words with a side of “Oh yeah? Well take this!”. NBC is currently the front-runner, in my opinion, in the cavalcade of anger ensuing, facial self-punching, brain with sharp pencil jabbing, TV shows. The dignitary of NBC being a new show called Deal, or No Deal.

The premise of this “game show” is simple. People are asked to choose a briefcase with a number which they keep, then, slowly they select other numbers to eliminate. Each case holds a dollar amount meant to be a prize. As said case is opened, the prize is removed from the board. This means there is no change that dollar amount is in the constestants case. Above this fantastically mind-numbing train wreck sits a “banker”. He looms over the stage from his darkened room like The Once-ler from The Lorax. Sitting there in the dark, nothing visible save his phone grabbing arm, he makes calls to the shows host and offers a settlement amount for the contestant to quite and walk away. It is at that time the phone on stage rings. The host picks up and, with a stern tone, accepts the offer. The offer is then passed on to the contestant, who is asked, “Deal, or No Deal”? This “game show” requires no talent, and couldn’t be any more boring or pointless if all they did was see how many times they could smash themselves in the testicles with a claw hammer until passing out.

I know I’ve kept you in complete suspense. Who is the host of this fabulous peace of shit? Howie Mandel. That’s right, of Walk Like A Man fame. The same guy whose grand finale when performing stand up “comedy” was to pull a rubber glove over his face and blow it up with his nose.

Quick side note – this all ended when he ruptured a blood vessel in his head from the build up of pressure. Sadly, this didn’t kill him, or even turn him into a vegetable. This blood vessel must have controlled his talent, because, inconceivably, becoming even LESS funny and talented was the only result of this injury.

Well, I’ve decided to help to good people of NBC out by making some creative changes to the show I think will help it be a success. Instead of deciding between taking the deal and quitting, or pressing on, I think the contestants should have to make a different decision. The new name of the show will be Douche, or No Douche. Contestants will come up on stage, and be shown a clip of Howie’s past work, or maybe a small, live comedy routine. They will then be offered a small sum of money to ease their pain. The contestant will then have to decide if it is at all humanly possible for Howie Mandel to make a bigger douche of himself. Howie will then ask the question, “Douche, or No Douche”? If they say No Douche, they will then have to sit through another gut wrenching clip of Howie. Each time they will be offered more money until they finally crack and say, “Yes, yes… ok! Good lord! You really are a Douche!”

I don’t know if most people are hip to the following info, but Howie Mandel was actually the voice of Gizmo in the Gremlins movies. I don’t know where this fits into my little rant, other than further proving my point that Howie Mandel is a douche.