ButtSwiper

Before I proceed, I want you all to know, that I have made nothing up. This is all completely true. I'm even going to try, with all my might, to not embelish too much with this story. Butt I make no guarentees. The reason for my attempt to curb my standard sarcasm? Frankly, you can't make this shit up.

In Rochester NY a woman has been arrested for theft, and is facing 3 years in prison for the crime. Butt what, I'm sure you are asking, did she attempt to swipe that would warrant such jack assery? I mean, seriously. I scratch my butt in confusion. The answer, my friends, is toilet paper. Yep, toilet paper.

No big deal, right? Who gives a flushing shit? Well, she tried to swipe it from the local court house. She was seen stuffing her bra (not embellishing) with the items in question, by another 'patron' and was reported to the police. I couldn't even give two shits about what kind of person would turn someone in for stealing toilet paper.

Now, I know, at this point, you are all saying to yourself, 'What the shit? This story sucks hard monkey crap!' And I would agree with you... normally. The reason why I don't agree is because I have left out one very important detail. That is, the offending ass wipers name. I did so in a vain attempt to allow you to prepare yourself... butt it's not possible to fully prepare.

Amanda Butts was arrested in Rochester NY for stealing toilet paper. I will repeat that, because it warrants repeating. Amanda Butts, as in the equipment one uses to dispense shit, was incarcerated for stealing toilet paper. A toilet being the place one would placed a butt in order to dispense said shit. Like I said folks, I can't make this shit up. As hard as I try... I simply can't.

Amanda Butts was arrested for stealing toilet paper... holy shit.